You’ve Got To Be In It To Win It

The art of persistence in today’s online world.

Once upon a time, people thought the earth was flat, and if we went too far, we might fall off! Now we know it spins on an axis, but it’s been spinning too fast for me over the last 20 years.

I deliberately didn’t keep pace with technological developments and how they altered social interactions. I was baffled as to why everyone was photographing their food and risking bodily injury to take a picture of themselves in a dramatic setting. Ignoring this trend wasn’t a problem initially, but it caught up with me.

I'm really enjoying writing this blog, I can bring together my love of the written word and my coaching experience, and, at the same time, connect with others. The latter only works out if people read it, though. I quickly realised it needed visibility and promotion using more than words across various channels. So, I’m joining in everywhere I can.

I am so far out of my comfort zone (a topic I’ve written about) that I often produce ridiculous results. A much younger friend tried to coach me after seeing one of my disastrous Instagram reels (I’m a complete Instagram newbie and only recently learnt what a reel is). “You’re not supposed to film yourself after actually going for a run, sweating and with the wind blasting your hair all over your face,” she told me. “But the reel was about me going for a run,” I responded. “People just say that. They go on screen with their makeup freshly done and in a nice ‘post-run’ setting – oh, and you need to use filters!”

I posted anyway – I was going for authenticity, but it seems even authenticity isn’t supposed to be authentic anymore.

I’ve been trying to learn from the engagement on my posts and reels and whatever else they are called, but it’s a tough one. Me running up and down some stairs on fast-forward got a fair few clicks, so I assumed I needed to be moving to gain interest; however, in close second place is a photo of me standing next to a painted egg. Painting eggs whilst running maybe 🤔; it could get messy!

Eggs are the way to go

Out for drinks recently, with two gorgeous and intelligent girlfriends, I mentioned I don’t understand the world anymore and the way people tick. They listened patiently, offering tips and even joining in and taking pictures of me so that I didn’t have to take those dangerous selfies. “It works if you get it right,” they told me, sending me examples of those living the social media dream.

Drinks in a nice setting

Grateful for their help, I switched the conversation back to them. They relayed their online dating woes, which were hilarious, making the waiter blush when he had to serve us, but their stories were also tinged with hopelessness; they had both had enough. Yet, in a world where no one casually meets the eye of another anymore because those eyes are on their phones, dating is predominantly online and has become a round of quick clicks and swipes; it’s transactional.

“You’re lucky to have met your husband the normal way,” one said. However, it’s not the normal way anymore; most couples I know met online. I also tried online dating briefly, only stopping because of an unfortunate coincidence: my photo wasn’t yet live on my freshly set-up profile when I met someone I’d interviewed that day (elsewhere, there may be six degrees of separation – in Vienna, it’s half that 🙃).

I understand emotional investment is different if you are posting on social media for a professional venture or hobby from putting yourself out there to find love; however, there are lots of overlaps.

• Trying to get others to like you (for dates or followers)

• Investing time and energy (dating: corresponding; posting: inventing ways to get your message across)

• Rejection or being ignored stings (all that effort for nothing, and it’s personal)

I’ve rarely had clients come to me with deep-seated problems; I’m not a therapist. Clients have come to me when one area of their life is making them unhappy and having an impact on the rest. Although I began with career coaching, I’ve helped many people gain clarity around their present and future relationships. If the dating world is now transactional, it’s legitimate to have a clear strategy. People talk about their mental health suffering with social media and online dating; setting some ground rules can be helpful:

• Time limits (time online and maybe even on dates)

• Dealbreakers (I was advised that pictures of feet sell – really? – there’ll be no naked feet in my posts; maybe anyone sending naked dating introductions might be a dealbreaker for some, too – maybe not…)

• Return to the real world (planning this at regular intervals prevents getting stuck in the surreal 😉)

Coming back to my friend’s comment, I don’t think luck had a lot to do with me getting married. I met my husband at a wedding in Austria. I was about to return to live in the UK, but I gave us a chance, even though I had been repeatedly disappointed in love before. I took yet another risk because I didn’t want to give up. Despite making a fool of myself trying out new things on social media, I’m not giving up there either – I’m even starting to enjoy it 😊.

I hope my very deserving-of-love friends won’t give up on online dating. As with most things in life, you’ve got to be in it to win it, no matter how hard that can sometimes get.

I started with a fairytale introduction, so I’ll end with one. The overwhelmed-by-social-media-technophobe got to stay on her couch and lived happily ever after – after posting a picture of her feet on a bed of pink petals, which went viral 😉.