This week, it felt like the universe was saying, “Go on, go on, go on,” like Mrs Doyle in Father Ted (see clip if you’re not familiar; warning: it will ring around your head after 😅). I initially planned to write about something different, but three conversations, in quick succession, changed my mind.
The first conversation was with a well-educated and experienced woman who wanted to make her next career move. Instead, she was paralysed by imposter syndrome; she said she didn’t meet the criteria for any job advertisements she’d found. She meets all of them, exceeding in some areas (she speaks multiple European languages, not just the one additional they requested). However, because some of the points lie further back in her career, she won’t give herself credit for them anymore. I came across this phenomenon often while working as a headhunter. Candidates I approached because of their fitting profiles would doubt themselves based on minor aspects.
The next conversation was with someone I hadn’t seen for some time. She’s in a new relationship. After bubbling over telling me about her new boyfriend, she switched to how lucky she was to have met him and how she was on her best behaviour, hiding all her bad habits (she regularly goes out for drinks, where she met him, and she smokes). She was scared he wouldn’t like the real her. Again, imposter syndrome.
The last was an online conversation. An inspirational entrepreneur I met at a workshop last year and have stayed in contact with posted an honest account of her imposter syndrome on Instagram. Although she is very open about how she built up her business, sharing failures and behind-the-scenes insights into her life and work, this was more of a heartfelt account of how others had questioned her offer because she doesn’t have the standard university degrees in her chosen area or the years of experience, which in turn made her question herself.
I want to add here that imposter syndrome is not a female thing; in my experience, women talk about it more openly.
Many describe imposter syndrome as a voice inside their heads ridiculing them or a critic sitting on their shoulder observing their every (false) move. Horrible. However, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It does need to be recognised and kept in check, though.
How? By making distinctions:
Is this a fact or a feeling?
Is it internal or external (you or someone else criticising you)?
Does it have good intentions?
If each of the women in the examples above were to answer these questions honestly, I imagine it would go a bit like this.
Applying for jobs:
Fact: I meet all the job requirements. Feeling: I’m nervous because I'm out of practice in some areas.
It’s a feeling, so it's internal – I haven’t even made it to an interview yet to find out what the company thinks.
Good intentions? I could brush up on the older experience to increase my confidence.
New relationship:
Fact: he chose to be with me. Feeling: he’s too good for me, and it was luck.
Luck is external and might have made the moment happen, but not the relationship – my feelings around losing him are making me uneasy.
Good intentions? I should probably drink and smoke less and could cut down, but for me.
Entrepreneur:
Fact: I don’t have extensive experience in my field, but I have completed specific courses covering what I offer. I’m also passionate about my offering and hold myself to high standards. Feeling: receiving feedback like this makes me question myself.
It starts with external and spirals into internal doubt.
Good intentions? It makes me want to improve.
Once we have clarity, we can switch that voice off, turn the volume down, or flick that critic off our shoulder.
There’s nothing wrong with being humble and pushing yourself to improve and reflect. However, imposter syndrome shouldn’t hold us back or cause us to burn out by striving for perfection.
My response to each of the women above was that many of us are drawn more to people like them than those who shout about how great they are. Genuine people appeal to others. I’d recruit someone who ticks all the boxes but admits they need and want to brush up on some areas before starting the role. I’d date someone (if I weren’t married, of course 😉) who says, “Hey, I’m not perfect.” If anything, what a relief – who is? I would also pay for the services of someone who has recently specified in an area where I need support rather than someone with theoretical degrees coming out of their ears and outdated experience.
I didn't make my critical voice quiet. I chose to make it a bit silly instead; that way I can deal with it better. Despite being persistent, I can laugh it off if I need to. However, if I think it has good intentions, I let it push me forward. That’s right – mine really is Mrs Doyle. You can borrow it if you like. “Go on, go on, go on.” You know you want to 😉.
This one has been a great read for me Claire. That voice was with me all my working life particularly as I had no degree or qualifications for the roles I undertook but I did have a wealth of experience gained by listening to those in the industry that shared their knowledge and experience with me.
I always seem to do best when someone tells me I can’t do/achieve something because my ‘voice’ then changes to ‘yes I bloody can’.
Keep these coming Claire.